Monday, March 16, 2009

Chapter 3

It was still early in the evening, and the ground surrounding the building still wet from the rain that passed. The place was filled with cars, visitors coming and going. The Edge Memorial building stands 4 stories high and it was built around 20 years ago, but it had only a few small thin cracks that are hardly noticeable.

The room where Armand’s wake was held is in the fourth floor, room 408, where it was filled with a less than festive crowd. Former classmates of Armand came to pay their respects, and so did some of the guests who are known to be influential. The guests exchanged smiles and friendly hugs. They talked about Armand, and of how rare heart attacks occur with teenagers. They also talked about Armand’s father, whose wife passed away after giving birth to his only son.

Armand’s father, Professor Martin Esperanza, is a college professor at Flores University, known to be as one of the top universities in the Philippines, and has worked there for over 15 years now. The school was named after the renowned Filipino scientist, Agapito Flores, inventor of the first fluorescent lamp.

Prof. Esperanza was quietly talking with a friend, a Judge he’s known for a while now. They were friends during their college days. The two kept in touch every once in a while, and he was his closest friend, and some would argue that he is his only one.

After seeing the visitors not having anything to drink, he excused himself from his old friend and called on someone to assist with the visitors. This someone is a student of his in his physics class, his favorite, and to him, the brightest.

“Wendy,” Prof. Esperanza called out, as he looked for his student.

A striking young woman was sitting in a table with her friends, nodded respectfully upon hearing her professor calling out to her. She then excused herself from her friends and headed towards her professor.

Wendy walked cautiously, trying to get through the quietly seated guests. She turned quite a few heads on her way to her professor. Her slender body, smooth milky white skin and wavy light brown hair that extends up to the middle of her back, made both young and old men glanced at her more than twice. Everyone always found Wendy to be beautiful.

As she reached Prof. Esperanza, he whispered to her about the guests, and requested to attend to them and ask if they needed anything.

“Sure thing.” she answered with a soft smile. “Try not to worry about everyone, ok? You’ve enough to deal with already.” Wendy continued, trying to reassure her professor.

He nodded, and gave her a smile as well.

Wendy gave one last look at her Professor before she left to serve the guests. She couldn’t stand the sight of him this way, as she always looked out for him like a caring daughter to her father.

While Wendy was serving the guests, checking up on everyone, she faintly heard two young men arguing like 5 year olds. The two entered through the door, and she recognized them immediately.

The guy she saw on the right wore a faded blue crumpled dress shirt, obviously un-ironed, with dark blue carpenter jeans, which matched his uncombed hair. He stood around 5’10’’, had a thin frame, fair skin, with an irritated look on his face. It was her friend, Will.

Henry on the other hand, wore a neat fitted black Polo shirt, with skinny jeans and polished black shoes, which looked particularly cleaner set beside Will’s not so clean ones. They have around the same height, but people usually thought Henry was taller due to his commanding posture, compared to friend’s slouched one.

Upon seeing her two friends, she waved at them and dismissed herself from the guests to be with the two.

Wendy approached her friends and gave them both a hug. “I’m glad you guys could make it.” Wendy said. She looked rather surprisingly at Will, and just as she was about to ask, how in the world Will agreed to come here, Will cut her off---

“I was taken against my will.” Will replied to her questioning look. “…by this idiot.” He continued, pointing at Henry.

Choosing not to respond to Will’s usual snide remarks, she immediately set her eyes on Henry. “So, have you guys eaten yet?”

“Nope,” Replied Will, quickly. “any Pizza around?”

“Pizza?” asked Wendy incriminatingly.”Have you ever been to a wake?”

He considered this for a second. “Hmm. Oh, I forgot. Pretentious event,” He reasoned, mockingly. “Meaning, pretentious food. How stupid of me to assume otherwise.”

“Oh Henry, Haven’t you fed our baby yet?” Wendy asked, referring to Will, playfully squeezing his cheeks. “You know how grumpy he gets when he doesn’t eat.”

Will knocked her hands away, as Wendy and Henry laughed, and left Will awkwardly waiting for it to end.

Wendy decided to move on. “Let’s get you guys something to eat.” Wendy suggested. “Oh, but before that, let me introduce you guys to Armand’s Dad.”

The two had no objections.

They all headed towards Prof. Esperanza, when Wendy suddenly stopped and turned around. Will abruptly halted almost colliding with her. Wendy warned him, pointing her finger at Will’s face. “I’m warning you, Will. You better be careful what you say. I’m really gonna kill you if you make him feel worse than he already is.”

“Hmm, ok.” Will said, insincerely, trying to walk past her.

Wendy grabbed his arm to stop him. “I’m serious, Will! He’s very important to me.”

“Yeah, yeah, he’s like a father to you. I get it. Can we go now?”Will replied, impatiently. “Seriously, let’s go, before someone we know sees us. I don’t want to talk about ‘how my day is’ again.”

Wendy keenly observed him to see if he was lying. She concluded that Will was just probably avoiding the conversation, embarrassed by any hint of humanity in him.

She wouldn’t let anything happen to her professor. He stood like a father to Wendy, always taking care of her, protecting her from kids courting her. They treated each other as a father and daughter would, and loved as much.

The three of them reached the professor at an isolated hallway with a closed glass window. There were not much people, just his friend, Judge Marcelo – who just left, to get something to eat.

Prof. Esperanza stood an inch shy of 6 feet tall, had a thin frame, dark skin, short curly hair, and wears glasses like his son. His usual energetic expression of fierce curiosity and high energy was replaced by a grimed long face, with his sunken and tired eyes.

They were both introduced to the Professor as friends of Armand.

“Did you guys know Armand well?” Prof. Esperanza asked.

Henry answered. “Well, we- “

“Yes, sir” Will said, quickly, interrupting Henry. “We knew him a lot. We used to hang out in the library all the time.”

Prof. Esperanza smiled at this, not many people knew much about his son. Will also produced a smile, showing her that he can be good with people if he wanted to.

Wendy rolled her eyes to this exaggerated lie and excused themselves to Prof. Esperanza.

“We’re just gonna find someplace to sit.” Wendy said to her professor.

“Go right ahead.” Replied Prof. Esperanza. “Oh, Wendy, can I ask you to help me out with something first?”

“Sure, but let me just get these guys a place – “

“That’s ok.” Henry interrupted. “We’ll save you a seat.”

Henry and Will left, and looked for a place to settle.

Wendy saw the two being called by former classmates, offering them place to sit. She saw Will rudely declining, but saw Henry accepting the invite anyway. Professor Esperanza was watching the two as well, and whispered to Wendy’s ear, and asked something about Will.

“Yeah,” She answered. “I’m sure he would love that.”

Prof. Esperanza excused himself from Wendy to be with his friend. He left, and Wendy smiled mischievously to herself as she looked at Will. She could not wait what she’s about to see.

6 comments:

redspots said...

kakabitin naman yan...

redspots said...

btw, you missed the "l" in Flores hehehe...

baldogwapito said...

aus... keep them coming buddy

NA said...

I really started getting into this story by the end of chapter three but the slow start really does hurt your story. The biggest tip I can give is show not tell. If we look at the first chapter, first paragraph, you don’t need to say it’s raining outside if people are using umbrellas to keep from getting wet. And you don’t need to mention the exact time, you can use the peak hour traffic and the fact that people are heading home to indicate that it’s late afternoon.

You tend to give the reader too much of a character’s history when you introduce them. For example, in the first chapter, second paragraph, you tell us everything about William Francisco. It would be better if this information was introduced to the reader via action. In fact, you do just that in the conversation between William and Henry. You don’t need to say that William is anti-social because the reader is able to pick that up for themselves. You also do it again with the introduction of Professor Martin Esperanza. That information could be presented during Will’s introduction to the Professor.

General tips. If you cut one more word from your story it will be too short, if you add one more word it will be too long. I find that between my first draft and my last draft I can easily cut several thousand words and still have more scenes and more action than when I started. For example in chapter two you have William thinking about the fact that Henry has just missed his street then William mentions that fact. I would cut the thinking version.

You don’t really need to give descriptions of buildings or what people are wearing unless there is something really unusual about them. Too much description tends to have the reader skipping paragraphs because it slows down the pace of your story.

If you’re not already, reading out loud really helps. I’m no grammar expert but the way I see it, if it sounds right it probably is and reading out loud is the only way to find out. It also slows down your brain and you’re more likely to pick up sentences and paragraphs that don’t make any sense.

You’ve made a great start. Just remember to be careful when you start introducing the programming element because the best stories teach us without us even realising it. Make it all about the story not the programming and you’ll do great. Keep Writing.

Harold said...

Thanks for your thoughts guys. I really appreciate the comments and suggestions.

Danina Hernandez said...

kuya good work :)